Oh, the I-Renney Part 2 (4-ever)

You know something...i thought it would be hard to say goodbye...that i'd get all choked up about leaving, but...it  wasn't really very

hard at all because -well...basically there was nobody around to say goodbye to...even the newspaper stand guy outside the garden was closed up -well...he never said anything to me either so i doubt he would've said goodbye either well...that's how it goes...

well

goodbye

Oh, the I-Renney

well -men, they're about to raise the banners to the rafters of the garden and i'm feeling a bit down -not only because my number

will never hang there, even if i had a number and secondly -poor rosie's gotta find a new number and no one around here really

likes him or understands a word he says -so...the consensus for has new number has mostly been  number  86 ..and a few of the guys -great kidders, all of them...have also suggested that management might retire the number 86 if i started wearing it...we'll

just have to wait and see what happens when this team decides to play some hockey...

ok...the management asked me to give a pep talk between the second and third -so...i really don't know how to say this -uhmm...

please bear with me for a second...look, now...

the management tells me that beer and soda and bottled water sales are way down

and you people are going to have to put your pedals to the metal 

or at least the plastic 

because it's against the law to sell metal 

containers at the garden-here, but...

and hot dog sales are down 20 percent and pretzels

 and forget about knishes which i already forgot about because i don't know what they are...

seems...the only thing that's selling good out there on the floor is 

the little

sort of triangular fire renney pennants ...

and i guess that's good -no, wait...that's me...

c'mon guys...what would you think if

i walked around behind the bench waving around these little fire all  the vendors flags and razzing you when you went by...

now -please...just get out there and do your job...like i'm doing my job...

by either winning by one goal in  the shootout or losing by 1 to 8 goals...

i'm doing my job...just get out there and do yours...now, i've got to get back behind the bench 

because they just told me we're down by a goal...so let's be a team eh?  

thanks -uhh...could one of you tell me which way the bench is?..

.no, not that

bench...

the rangers bench...what do you mean you're sorry to hear that...haha...great bunch of kidders...uh -that way?  thanks...

here we go again...

Renny-Body Home?

Men, Let me tell you...I just can't take much more of this...Eh -What's that Vallie? No, not losing...i'm not talking about the losing...
got no problem with the losing, it's...this traveling around -you know, city after city...St Louis ...Buffalo...and then we keep going back to New York...i can't figure this out....I mean, why do we play in the Madison Square garden so many times -when...we only play in -say, the duck pond maybe once a year...this baffles me...Home ice? What the hell does that mean -Gomsie? And -how the hell would you know what means Drusie? How?

I just got real tired all of a sudden during the game tonight, so i went into the dressing room early in the third...Ah, Buffalo...
wonderful city -yes...wonderful for about six days in late august and that is all she wrote ,men...a lot like Canada...just over the border, you know? Niagra Falls...brings back so many memories of my first marraige -well...my "almost" first marraige...
years ago...right there in Niagra Falls...I remember it like only yesterday...

...

her name was Teensie...short for Tina... she told me she was nineteen...there we were...standing before the minister in a little
chapel pretty close to the falls...it was very romantic...i thought you could hear the falls in the background -but...turned out the little chapel
was having some major plumbing problems....but me n' teensie got though the ceremony... almost

the minister had such a clear, soft and soothing sapeaking voice and a very smooth, clean-cut face and when he asked if there was anyone there   -that objected to the marraige ...i don't know what came over me...the words  I Do  just blurted from my mouth...

and the minister smiled and said  You don't sat -I Do  yet Tom...and i said  but I Do...I Do object to the marraige...and the minister asked why and i stammered  Because...Because...I think i love you now...and it was a very pregnant pause...but Teensie

didn't have a problem with my sudden change of heart and it turned into a pretty interesting weekend, to say the least...

i remember it like it was...

...

oh no...i just woke up on the dressing room floor and  -no...not that old, tired scenario...shit...it was only a dream...now here come

the boys back into the room  -Hey!  What happened Dawsie?  Lost 4-2 -eh? Well, at least we scored another goal -eh?

that's a step in the right direction...What's that -Nazzie?  Ypu want to take me to the edge of falls and then it would be a step in the right direction...ha ha...Great Bunch of kidders...

Well...maybe we can only lose in  SHOOTOUT TOMORROW MEN SINCE THEY'RE RETIRING SOMEBODY'S NUMBER AGAIN...

we'll see

A Renney For My Thoughts

I tell you people...i've been at my wits end, lately -well  -for most of my life, but -most of all -lately...i tell you...

i didn't know what to do with the team...so, i went in to light a candle in support of my team...the only trouble was...

the candle i lit was in jack's 99c store over by the garden and a small fire started and the security guards took me in the back

and called the police and i kept telling the guards that i was the coach for the new york rangers and they just stared right through

me -like i wasn't even there and called the cops from midtown south and when the officers arrived and i told them who i was 

one of them asked for proof and when i showed them my id (canadian livestock association shareholder card) they whisked me right out of jack's 99c store and into the police vehicle and directly over the george washington bridge where they left me at the tollbooth on the new jersey side and told me to get out of town...wow...quite a blow to the fragile ego i'm playing with now -sort of short-handed, if you know what i mean...but luckily some sanitation guys let me ride back over the bridge in the back of their truck and i could hear them laughing

let's turn on the compactor but they couldn't do it cause the press and the fans were crushing him enough and it would be too east

an out for me and then they let me out at the uptown port autority, which is still a pretty seedy place -imean, not like times quare -which

used to have a lot of live gay porno places on almost every block -even air conditioned and and and they ad alot of straight live sex acts -you know guys and girls, too -anyhow...up there is still pretty seedy, like i said -because this fellow asked to sell me a swipe at the downtown train and when i told him i didn't have any money -he swiped my watch instead -i mean, the watch wasn't that expensive

but -it was given to me by my father after i had coached my first nhl victory by more than one goal -let me tell you...pretty far into my career ...but at least he gave me the swipe for the train after swiping my watch -i mean  -you  hear so many negative

comments about the callous nature of new yorkers but after something like that happens to you -you really get turned around

and see what new yorkers are made of -deep down...so i made it down to the garden in time for the game aND I COACHED MY TEAM TO VICTORY -ALTHOUGH IF YOU WERE TO see me behind the bench during the game it must've seemed like i wASN'T EVEN THERE AND because we won by more than one goal - my dad gave me another watch so it's a story with a double happy end...

tonight...

Out of Renney -One

Well -men...as soon as we set foot in St. Louis and i laid my eyes on the arch, i got to thinking that that was about how big our net must look to our opponents for most of the season...especially when they're short-handed...and i also got to thinking about our

execution -eh?....No Bettsie,  Not My execution...the team's execution of plays on the ice...Ha, great kidder...

You know, between periods...some fellow...i guess a fan -said to me, Nice tie...and i turned  barked at him  They don't hAVE

TIES IN THE NHL ANYMORE,  where've you been -man...and the poor fellow said -I mean the Tie you are Wearing, Tom...

boy, was i embarrassed...even more so than the jumbotron incident in vegas...but the point is...i'm losing  my sense of humor

 from losing...

OK, OK...i told you we could do it -men...i told you we could win a one goal game in regulation  -Eh?  oh, no kidding...darn...

it's only the end of the second...are you sure you ain't kidding Zerdzie...Really?...Hey Dubie, Zerdzie isn't trying to kid me 

about it only being the end of the second -now, Is he?  -Eh? Oh, that's right...Zerdzie's doesn't know how to kid around in english...

darn...I thought we'd won a real one finally -Eh?  WhAT? They scored one before us? No fooling...must've missed it...well

aT least we got one -men...hey, i think i just figured out the problem 'yes...see...we've got to be in our zone each time we're

in their zone and we've got to keep them out of their zone each time they hit our zone -Get it?

Wait -guys, come back -i'm not finished -Eh? What's that? Oh, the final period's starting...Well, alright...I'll be out in a minute..

(kneels)

Hail Mary...Full of Grace...

Dear NHL,

Very fine head coach (although some NY fans might not think so lately) seeks full time head coach position (soon).

Very good (up till now) at having his team win in shootouts. Available -May '09 at the very latest (probably sooner).

Ok -Men...I'm not jumping from the burning ship or anything like that...and i'm quite proud of you guys tonight

because you didn't lose your cool we worked so hard on in practice and give up 5 more goals today so the dallas game

was (and still is) rock bottom. we scored that second goal and shut their scorers down the rest of the way -good job -men

Dear Canadian Real Estate Board

Very fine (unhireable -i don't know if that's a word, spell check tells me n0 -unemployable, that's right...and also  unimaginative

ex-head NHL Hockey Coach seeks Large House within 200 miles of Club Hell in Winnepeg...

What's this -men...A one way greyhound bus ticket to any destination in Canada -ah -you shouldn't've  (that's not a word either -but it should be) and what's this...Early Math Primer -huh?  Learn to count over 2 - from gomsie -ha ...another great kidder -wait

i'm not leaving yet men...no way

(sound in background from entire team)   WAY!!!!

HaHaHa---what a great bunch of guys you are...there was more laughs in the room just then -than goals we've scored in our last 25 games...so this os like what -eh?  A kind of going away kind of party for me, well...it brings tears to my eyes...but -men

i'm not going away

what's that...That brings tears to Your eyes ...HaHa...well let me call Glennie, oh -that's right ...he has his 2 year old grandson

answer my calls and  has him drool onto the phone...i really fail to see the humor...

well -men, since we're having a party -how about you pass me that bottle of Canadian Club over there and some -a glass...and

don't forget...a can of 7 up...Ok Ok  -here's a quarter...whaddaya mean they went up to 5o cents...jeez, i'm getting out at the perfect time...OkOk...here's the other quarter  Captain Chris...Yeah, captain of a sinking Ship (drools).

Back on Solid Ground -Men

Yeah, i must admit...it was very strange going into the locker room with a lead after the first...very strange...but, now...after

the  2nd, we're tied1-1  and that's's more like it...i cannot honestly remember the last time we went in after 1st leading men, but i think it was the year of the dog...or the year of the korean barbq place on 32nd st that i used to like until i asked the waiter where the toilet was and he took me into the kitchen and smiled, i tell you men...same feeling ... i didn't really know what to think...

boy, is the weather nice down here in florida or what? we went out on a little boat ride today, a couple of the coaches and announcers...great bunch of kidders...they tried to get me to jump off the boat into the water with a twenty pound wait tied to each foot but i told'em i wasn't born yesterday, guys...haha...now if they had said ten pounds -maybe, but...

i'm thinking i better suit up for the 3rd -men...show you how it's really done...no...i'd better wait till after the game and then put my suit on and show the guys how to do a 3 and a half gainer off the high dive at the motel pool...i could've been another michael phelps

but i never could keep the match lit long enough to get a clean hit...it's not that i didn't inhale...i couldn't inhale...then i tried a lighter and that's how my hair got that funny singed color around the edges...

ok -men...let's attack the net like the media's attacking my future here in new york right now and we should have no problem 

winning the stanley cup in june...just attack the net like they attack me -men...that's the new system

go hard