Oh, the I-Renney Part 2 (4-ever)

You know something...i thought it would be hard to say goodbye...that i'd get all choked up about leaving, but...it  wasn't really very

hard at all because -well...basically there was nobody around to say goodbye to...even the newspaper stand guy outside the garden was closed up -well...he never said anything to me either so i doubt he would've said goodbye either well...that's how it goes...

well

goodbye

Oh, the I-Renney

well -men, they're about to raise the banners to the rafters of the garden and i'm feeling a bit down -not only because my number

will never hang there, even if i had a number and secondly -poor rosie's gotta find a new number and no one around here really

likes him or understands a word he says -so...the consensus for has new number has mostly been  number  86 ..and a few of the guys -great kidders, all of them...have also suggested that management might retire the number 86 if i started wearing it...we'll

just have to wait and see what happens when this team decides to play some hockey...

ok...the management asked me to give a pep talk between the second and third -so...i really don't know how to say this -uhmm...

please bear with me for a second...look, now...

the management tells me that beer and soda and bottled water sales are way down

and you people are going to have to put your pedals to the metal 

or at least the plastic 

because it's against the law to sell metal 

containers at the garden-here, but...

and hot dog sales are down 20 percent and pretzels

 and forget about knishes which i already forgot about because i don't know what they are...

seems...the only thing that's selling good out there on the floor is 

the little

sort of triangular fire renney pennants ...

and i guess that's good -no, wait...that's me...

c'mon guys...what would you think if

i walked around behind the bench waving around these little fire all  the vendors flags and razzing you when you went by...

now -please...just get out there and do your job...like i'm doing my job...

by either winning by one goal in  the shootout or losing by 1 to 8 goals...

i'm doing my job...just get out there and do yours...now, i've got to get back behind the bench 

because they just told me we're down by a goal...so let's be a team eh?  

thanks -uhh...could one of you tell me which way the bench is?..

.no, not that

bench...

the rangers bench...what do you mean you're sorry to hear that...haha...great bunch of kidders...uh -that way?  thanks...

here we go again...

Renny-Body Home?

Men, Let me tell you...I just can't take much more of this...Eh -What's that Vallie? No, not losing...i'm not talking about the losing...
got no problem with the losing, it's...this traveling around -you know, city after city...St Louis ...Buffalo...and then we keep going back to New York...i can't figure this out....I mean, why do we play in the Madison Square garden so many times -when...we only play in -say, the duck pond maybe once a year...this baffles me...Home ice? What the hell does that mean -Gomsie? And -how the hell would you know what means Drusie? How?

I just got real tired all of a sudden during the game tonight, so i went into the dressing room early in the third...Ah, Buffalo...
wonderful city -yes...wonderful for about six days in late august and that is all she wrote ,men...a lot like Canada...just over the border, you know? Niagra Falls...brings back so many memories of my first marraige -well...my "almost" first marraige...
years ago...right there in Niagra Falls...I remember it like only yesterday...

...

her name was Teensie...short for Tina... she told me she was nineteen...there we were...standing before the minister in a little
chapel pretty close to the falls...it was very romantic...i thought you could hear the falls in the background -but...turned out the little chapel
was having some major plumbing problems....but me n' teensie got though the ceremony... almost

the minister had such a clear, soft and soothing sapeaking voice and a very smooth, clean-cut face and when he asked if there was anyone there   -that objected to the marraige ...i don't know what came over me...the words  I Do  just blurted from my mouth...

and the minister smiled and said  You don't sat -I Do  yet Tom...and i said  but I Do...I Do object to the marraige...and the minister asked why and i stammered  Because...Because...I think i love you now...and it was a very pregnant pause...but Teensie

didn't have a problem with my sudden change of heart and it turned into a pretty interesting weekend, to say the least...

i remember it like it was...

...

oh no...i just woke up on the dressing room floor and  -no...not that old, tired scenario...shit...it was only a dream...now here come

the boys back into the room  -Hey!  What happened Dawsie?  Lost 4-2 -eh? Well, at least we scored another goal -eh?

that's a step in the right direction...What's that -Nazzie?  Ypu want to take me to the edge of falls and then it would be a step in the right direction...ha ha...Great Bunch of kidders...

Well...maybe we can only lose in  SHOOTOUT TOMORROW MEN SINCE THEY'RE RETIRING SOMEBODY'S NUMBER AGAIN...

we'll see

A Renney For My Thoughts

I tell you people...i've been at my wits end, lately -well  -for most of my life, but -most of all -lately...i tell you...

i didn't know what to do with the team...so, i went in to light a candle in support of my team...the only trouble was...

the candle i lit was in jack's 99c store over by the garden and a small fire started and the security guards took me in the back

and called the police and i kept telling the guards that i was the coach for the new york rangers and they just stared right through

me -like i wasn't even there and called the cops from midtown south and when the officers arrived and i told them who i was 

one of them asked for proof and when i showed them my id (canadian livestock association shareholder card) they whisked me right out of jack's 99c store and into the police vehicle and directly over the george washington bridge where they left me at the tollbooth on the new jersey side and told me to get out of town...wow...quite a blow to the fragile ego i'm playing with now -sort of short-handed, if you know what i mean...but luckily some sanitation guys let me ride back over the bridge in the back of their truck and i could hear them laughing

let's turn on the compactor but they couldn't do it cause the press and the fans were crushing him enough and it would be too east

an out for me and then they let me out at the uptown port autority, which is still a pretty seedy place -imean, not like times quare -which

used to have a lot of live gay porno places on almost every block -even air conditioned and and and they ad alot of straight live sex acts -you know guys and girls, too -anyhow...up there is still pretty seedy, like i said -because this fellow asked to sell me a swipe at the downtown train and when i told him i didn't have any money -he swiped my watch instead -i mean, the watch wasn't that expensive

but -it was given to me by my father after i had coached my first nhl victory by more than one goal -let me tell you...pretty far into my career ...but at least he gave me the swipe for the train after swiping my watch -i mean  -you  hear so many negative

comments about the callous nature of new yorkers but after something like that happens to you -you really get turned around

and see what new yorkers are made of -deep down...so i made it down to the garden in time for the game aND I COACHED MY TEAM TO VICTORY -ALTHOUGH IF YOU WERE TO see me behind the bench during the game it must've seemed like i wASN'T EVEN THERE AND because we won by more than one goal - my dad gave me another watch so it's a story with a double happy end...

tonight...

Out of Renney -One

Well -men...as soon as we set foot in St. Louis and i laid my eyes on the arch, i got to thinking that that was about how big our net must look to our opponents for most of the season...especially when they're short-handed...and i also got to thinking about our

execution -eh?....No Bettsie,  Not My execution...the team's execution of plays on the ice...Ha, great kidder...

You know, between periods...some fellow...i guess a fan -said to me, Nice tie...and i turned  barked at him  They don't hAVE

TIES IN THE NHL ANYMORE,  where've you been -man...and the poor fellow said -I mean the Tie you are Wearing, Tom...

boy, was i embarrassed...even more so than the jumbotron incident in vegas...but the point is...i'm losing  my sense of humor

 from losing...

OK, OK...i told you we could do it -men...i told you we could win a one goal game in regulation  -Eh?  oh, no kidding...darn...

it's only the end of the second...are you sure you ain't kidding Zerdzie...Really?...Hey Dubie, Zerdzie isn't trying to kid me 

about it only being the end of the second -now, Is he?  -Eh? Oh, that's right...Zerdzie's doesn't know how to kid around in english...

darn...I thought we'd won a real one finally -Eh?  WhAT? They scored one before us? No fooling...must've missed it...well

aT least we got one -men...hey, i think i just figured out the problem 'yes...see...we've got to be in our zone each time we're

in their zone and we've got to keep them out of their zone each time they hit our zone -Get it?

Wait -guys, come back -i'm not finished -Eh? What's that? Oh, the final period's starting...Well, alright...I'll be out in a minute..

(kneels)

Hail Mary...Full of Grace...

Dear NHL,

Very fine head coach (although some NY fans might not think so lately) seeks full time head coach position (soon).

Very good (up till now) at having his team win in shootouts. Available -May '09 at the very latest (probably sooner).

Ok -Men...I'm not jumping from the burning ship or anything like that...and i'm quite proud of you guys tonight

because you didn't lose your cool we worked so hard on in practice and give up 5 more goals today so the dallas game

was (and still is) rock bottom. we scored that second goal and shut their scorers down the rest of the way -good job -men

Dear Canadian Real Estate Board

Very fine (unhireable -i don't know if that's a word, spell check tells me n0 -unemployable, that's right...and also  unimaginative

ex-head NHL Hockey Coach seeks Large House within 200 miles of Club Hell in Winnepeg...

What's this -men...A one way greyhound bus ticket to any destination in Canada -ah -you shouldn't've  (that's not a word either -but it should be) and what's this...Early Math Primer -huh?  Learn to count over 2 - from gomsie -ha ...another great kidder -wait

i'm not leaving yet men...no way

(sound in background from entire team)   WAY!!!!

HaHaHa---what a great bunch of guys you are...there was more laughs in the room just then -than goals we've scored in our last 25 games...so this os like what -eh?  A kind of going away kind of party for me, well...it brings tears to my eyes...but -men

i'm not going away

what's that...That brings tears to Your eyes ...HaHa...well let me call Glennie, oh -that's right ...he has his 2 year old grandson

answer my calls and  has him drool onto the phone...i really fail to see the humor...

well -men, since we're having a party -how about you pass me that bottle of Canadian Club over there and some -a glass...and

don't forget...a can of 7 up...Ok Ok  -here's a quarter...whaddaya mean they went up to 5o cents...jeez, i'm getting out at the perfect time...OkOk...here's the other quarter  Captain Chris...Yeah, captain of a sinking Ship (drools).

Back on Solid Ground -Men

Yeah, i must admit...it was very strange going into the locker room with a lead after the first...very strange...but, now...after

the  2nd, we're tied1-1  and that's's more like it...i cannot honestly remember the last time we went in after 1st leading men, but i think it was the year of the dog...or the year of the korean barbq place on 32nd st that i used to like until i asked the waiter where the toilet was and he took me into the kitchen and smiled, i tell you men...same feeling ... i didn't really know what to think...

boy, is the weather nice down here in florida or what? we went out on a little boat ride today, a couple of the coaches and announcers...great bunch of kidders...they tried to get me to jump off the boat into the water with a twenty pound wait tied to each foot but i told'em i wasn't born yesterday, guys...haha...now if they had said ten pounds -maybe, but...

i'm thinking i better suit up for the 3rd -men...show you how it's really done...no...i'd better wait till after the game and then put my suit on and show the guys how to do a 3 and a half gainer off the high dive at the motel pool...i could've been another michael phelps

but i never could keep the match lit long enough to get a clean hit...it's not that i didn't inhale...i couldn't inhale...then i tried a lighter and that's how my hair got that funny singed color around the edges...

ok -men...let's attack the net like the media's attacking my future here in new york right now and we should have no problem 

winning the stanley cup in june...just attack the net like they attack me -men...that's the new system

go hard

Couldn't Find My Meds

sorry, guys...for disappearing after the 1st period last night...but i couldn't find my pills and i got hungry...so i wandered uptown

and ordered some ribs at virgil's on one of those 40s  street -you know...like 42  or 43...one of those streets with a 40 in it...near all those bright lights and big screens...one of them even had the game on from the garden...second period...i don't remember the score but i saw one of my guys make a pretty good hit on the boards...he didn't hit the man he was trying to hit, but he made a pretty good hit on the boards...i couldn't tell which one of my guys it was...something with a 2 -but not 2, that number's retired...

i saw being raised to the rafters of the garden last year and then i saw our team lose that one, too -or win in a shootout...either way

a win is a loss or something like that...then i brought a bag of ribs back for some of the guys if they were hungry, but i guess the game ended and everyone left, so i asked these kids outside and they told me we won the shootout, then one of them hit me in the side

of the head with a giant spitball

hmmmm...i never saw a kid with a full beard throw a spitball before

so i sat down on the concrete outside the garden, men...and i unraveled the spitball because that's what my father told me

to do...he said  Rensie...that's what he called me -Rensie...if somebody out there in the world is holding some kind of grudge

against you or something like that...it's best to find out what the hell they've got against you

so i've always followed my dads advice to the letter

even the time he told me to go to hell

so i started digging but i got all these blisters and i couldn't did ANY MORE

SO I LOOKED IN THE phone book

and there was a place called hell only about 22o miles from our house

so i went there

and it was a strange little club

with a bunch of fellows wearing leather pants

if fact

that's where i met my first episcopal priest

anyhow

o sat there and kept unraveling the giant spitball

no easy task, believe me men

and inside it said

you should've won the game on graves night you piece of shit

well...i took in this observation

but then i felt hungry again

so i sat there and ate the ribs

and some guy walking by gave me a quarter

so i bought the late paper and it said my team won

in a shootout

and i tried to think if we had won a non-shootout game this season

and i couldn't remember if we had

daRN THESE RIBS ARE GOOD

ANYBODY GOT A NAPKIN

HELL

I'LL JUST USE THE newspaper

nevermind

At Least We Ain't Down Yet

Ok -men...let's go into the locker room with our heads held high, but make sure we hold our noses tight -men, cause it smells like something died in there; or maybe outside somewhere...remember, it  IS new jersey -right...ok, i'm really proud of you so far tonight -guys...for standing behind your goalie -although...that's how we lost that game so badly in dallas -cause all 5 of you guys were always

standing behind the goalie...there wasn't anyone else guarding in front of the net except lunnie...and he wasn't really on that night

to say the least...hell...i wound up driving on interstate 20, looking for that all night presbyterian church outside dallas

or was it episcopal

i can't remember

i blacked out everything from my youth

and appArently from the other night, too

cause when i saw the all night church  was closed, i just kept driving and driving and driving

then i turned onto i-10 and

then i wound up in phoenix arizona

the next night

right outside the building where the coyote's play

and they were just about ready to start playing

oh -i forget what team they were playing...some team that beat us earlier this season last year...pick one...and i went inside to get some advice fro the great one

but his wife said he was busy

and when i told her i'd been driving all night

she gave me a stack of money to put  a bet down in vegas for her

so i got back in the damn rental car

and drove up to vegas

and

believe me guys

i tried to get a bet down on blue

but they wouldn't take my bet

because there ain't no blue on a roulette wheel...shows you how much i know...

i heard one guy say red and another say black

so i said give 2 bucks on blue and the whole casino broke up

they even replayed it on the jumbotron

boy did i feel silly

so then i flew

back

oh -shit

i just realized that

i didn't return my rental car

it's still sitting in the short term parking

at  the one with the palms or the one with the sand

uhm...any of you guys have a deadbeat brother in law 

hanging around

who could fly out there and get my car back to the closest office...probably the airport...

well...let's not worry about that now

let's go back out on the ice

and give up no more than 2 goals

in the second

and hopefully score a couple

before this darn thing's over -eh?

hey gomie...ya think you could turn that music down a little?

only down by 1 men

come'on -guys...plenty happening to hold your head up...we were ahead for 35 seconds and tied for 10 whole minutes...

good 10 minutes -yeah...the last time that happened to me, i was tied up for aboout 12 minutes but that's between

me and that episcopal clergyman or was it men -nevermind...men...we're down only 2 now, but remember it was only by one we 

down not long ago...let's get it back to only one down...that's the positive approach...get the score back to only one down...

then we can start fresh at one down...ok...let's go into the locker room and relive those 35 seconds...i wish those boys with the ferry services

would come rescue us, where are they now?...we're sinking men...let's get some help

let's bring avery back into the fold -because he's very neat and quick at packing -so by the end of the season

after we lose in the first round-if we even make the playoffs...he can help me back my things very neat and orderly, cause i remember that about old shawnsies -eh... just like paul hornung ...very quick packer  ha ha...i bought some really nice luggage

on sale at bloomingdales last week...louis vuitton...sounds canadian -eh...ok, we're gonna come back onto the ice down only 2 goals

and it might sound a bit funny men...but our one goal for the third is 2 goals...well you might ask me how one goal could be 2 goals -but see...we have one big goal and that is to have at least one player on our side -not their side, i'm sick of seeing the other side scoring goals...

we need at least one player on our side to score 2 goals -hey...if it's 2 players that score a goal each...that's all right with me

how about you men -are we on the same page? good...tell you what, if we at least lose in a shootout tonight...i know shawnsies 

got the phone numbers of at least 2 dallas cowboy cheerleaders...you can all have sloppy seconds or thirds or whatever number you draw, but not me...i'm gonna go find me an episcopal church, i hear thede's a 24 hour one right off of interstate 20

ok...onward and upward -which, for me means back to canada forever in may...and god forgive me

Tom Renney, Comic Genius

New York Rangers head coach Tom Renney is one of the few and far between. His comic genius comes through before, during and after every Rangers game. Dubbed "Renney Youngman" by those in the know, this site is dedicated to his funny one liners that never fail to cause Rangers fans indigestion, while their opponents crack up. Stay tuned for more (hopefully not that much more) to come.